I L-O-V-E Being a Mother. Right now my son is young enough I think of myself more as a Mommy than Mother, but none the less, it’s a role I love.
When I was in college I started out as a Communications Major. I never really had any plans on what I’d do with the major, but it seemed generic and I went with it. About a year into College I realized that although I did not know what I wanted to do for my Career, I knew I wanted to be a Mother. I then changed my major to Early Childhood Education & Development. I always figured regardless of what career path I took, having an Early Childhood Major would give me the foundation I needed (or thought I needed) to be a good Mother.
When I graduated College I ended up quickly becoming a Computer Geek. It’s not a role I ever thought I’d take. Somehow I found myself working for Apple, Inc. My life revolved around everything Mac. A couple years after I started with Apple I got married, and soon became a Mommy. I was lucky enough to change career paths at this time as well, and I became a Stay at Home Mommy. FINALLY I’d get to use my degree for what it was intended (at least in my eyes)!
I thought Motherhood would come naturally. I thought I’d meet my little bundle of joy and fall instantly in love. I thought that between natural instinct, experience working in a Nursery, & My Education that I’d just “know what to do”. I never ever imagined reality for what it was.
When I met my Son I was just grateful. After everything we went through with his birth I was just grateful he was alive. But hours later everything changed.
I was still grateful he was there, but I did not know what I was doing! I thought breast-feeding would just happen, and I was SHOCKED to realize it would take practice and adjustment. I thought labor hurt, but little did I know breast-feeding could cause pain all it’s own! I did not know why my Son was gassy, or how to burp him correctly. I had no idea that two hours between feedings could pass so quickly. I had no idea what lack of sleep really felt like. I had no idea that the responsibility could scare me so much. I never knew that even surrounded by help I could feel SO helpless and ALONE. I had no idea that such a SMALL and INNOCENT little person could cause so much strong emotion in me. Most of all I had NO IDEA how weak I could be at times.
Again, I always thought being a Mother would come naturally to me. I never expected months of Post Partum Depression. I never imagined it could take time to bond to a baby. I never knew I could depend on my Husband SO much.
Needless to say things got better with time. I learned what my baby needed, and I learned what I needed to do to help him. I learned how to deal with strong emotions I’d never faced. I learned what it meant to “Grow Up” and I learned what it meant to TRULY put another person ahead of myself.
I can now say with pure joy and confidence that I L-O-V-E being a mother. Watching my Son run, play, jump, and discover makes me smile. Hugging him each day brings me joy. Even when I’m tired, or sick, or feel I need a break, I find the strength to continue. I remember how lucky I am to have him. I realize that he will not be little forever, and I think about the work we have ahead to train him for his role in this world.
As I think about Little Piglet coming along sometimes I worry that Caden my suffer. Sometimes I question my ability to give them both the time, attention, and love that they need. Then usually I’m glad that I can question myself, as I feel that being aware of these issues is the best way to face them head on. Sometimes I worry that I’ll be grouchy, tired, or frustrated raising a two-year old and a newborn (especially having my hormonal 12-year old step daughter in the house, with needs all her own). Then I realize I WILL get grouchy. I WILL be tired. I certainly WILL get frustrated. However I also realize it’s okay. I realized that growing as a mother comes from these hard times. Actually, growing as a person comes from these hard times.
I realize that we all have struggles, and we can’t be perfect. But we often are defined by how we face our challenges and how we get through those hard times.
I think about how LUCKY I am to have children, and a supportive husband.
I look forward to the future with my children. I accept that there will be difficult times ahead, but more than anything I remember the cute little feet, and the happy little smile, and I can’t help but smile myself because although it did not come naturally to me, I LOVE being a Mother and I know it’s one of the most rewarding roles I’ll ever get to play in my life =)
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