I’ve been sort of MIA when it comes to this blog. The last couple weeks I’ve been living in a sort of funk. I’ve not been depressed, but I’ve been distracted in my own little world. My head has been spinning and spinning trying to make some sort of sense out of tragedy. And while this tragedy was not my own, it’s impacted me for a lifetime. It’s forced me to face emotions I never thought i’d know. It’s forced me to challenge my ideas of right and wrong. It’s made me face some of my own demons. Most of all it’s helped me to realize what a blessing life is, even when things are not quite the way we envisioned them.
For awhile I’ve debated if I’d ever post about infant mortality. It’s an issue thats haunted me for about a year now. Part of me has wanted to share my thoughts, and part of me has thought it was something better unsaid.
I always viewed infant mortality as an sad, ugly, taboo topic. When I became pregnant with my first Son, the thought of infant mortality never crossed my mind. I knew babies to be a beautiful blessing, and I never considered what life could look like for a family when that little blessing was not given the opportunity to live life as it’s family may have anticipated.
One day in my 6th month of pregnancy I was in a business meeting. A lawyer that was present told me that not all babies survive childbirth. She said beyond that, many babies struggle to survive infancy. At the time I was confused. Why would she share this with a pregnant woman? Was she trying to worry me? I did not understand her logic in bringing up such an issue, yet as the days passed I shoved her words to the back of my head, and moved forward with my life.
Fast forward 3 months, and the Lawyers words echoed in my head. My wonderful, beautiful, 7lb 8oz blessing was born, yet things did not seem to be going the way I thought they would. I’ll spare you the disgusting details, but the end of my labor was not exactly what I was prepared for. Once my Labor was over and my little blessing came out, my OB did not place my baby on my stomach as I expected. Instead she rushed him to a team of emergency doctors who immediately began working on my Son. I did not hear my baby crying, and my husband did not get to cut his cord. Instead a group of emergency doctors surrounded my little bundle of joy. My little baby had no color. He was a combination of a ghostly white and some shade of blue.
Still dazed from the end of my labor (and the many, many, many stitches that came with) I knew something was not right, but I could not yet comprehend the severity of what it might be. I kept asking everybody what was going on. The doctors around my baby were focused and concentrated, and not one of them responded. My OB was stitching me up, and she kept staring at my Husband. My Husband kept squeezing my hand, and telling me he was there to support me, and he was not going to leave my side. Yet nobody, not one single person in this now very crowded room could (or should I say would) tell me what was going on.
All that being said, we were lucky. It took about 20 minutes, but eventually we heard a cry. I think it may be the most beautiful cry i’ve ever heard. Suddenly my baby was crying, moving, and letting his presence be known. As it turns out he went through a great deal of our labor, & the birthing process with his cord wrapped around both his abdomen and neck. He had lost blood flow & oxygen. He was very weak. Thanks to a quick thinking OB, a great CRASH (emergency response team), and an angel up there somewhere, my Son made it through. It was a scary few moments, but he won his first fight with flying colors.
Ever since my Son’s birth I’ve relived those moments again and again. We came so close to losing him before we ever got to know him. Still to this day I can’t get through the story without some sort of tears. The words the lawyer told me ring true. Not all babies are given a chance at life as we may envision it for them.
In this last week I was reminded through some friends of mine how very real infant mortality is. My friends were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. They got to hold her, feed her, change her, rock her, and love on her for a little over a day before they realized something was not quite right. They soon learned that she was born with a Congenital Heart Defect. Despite two operations, it turned out this defect was not compatible with life. After just 3 short weeks these friends had to say Goodbye to their wonderful daughter.
This last week I’ve struggled trying to find the right words to say to them. I’ve struggled to make sense of the situation. I’ve struggled in knowing that my Family was almost there. I struggled in knowing everyday families are placed in similar situations. I spent a lot of time spinning and spinning trying to make everything add up in my head.
Sadly, it does not add up. The cold hard truth is that some babies are born too early. Some babies are born too sick. Some babies can’t handle the stress of birth. Some babies are just ready to move on from this world before we are ready to let them go. No parent should ever have to bury their child, but sadly, it is a reality.
My Friends baby, Lindsey, has changed my life FOREVER. She may have only been here for 3 weeks, but she has taught me a lifetimes worth of lessons, and given me wisdom far beyond her years. And while I never did make sense of it all, I think that’s one of the biggest lessons little Lindsey taught me. Not all things in this life make sense. Not all things are fair. We are not always given the things we want, & life does not always go the way we planned. However, not everything has to make sense, and when we love and appreciate our lives for what they are, things are often not as bad as they may seem.
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Now I know where Caden’s determination comes from. When you have to struggle so hard to come into this world I don’t think your going to let anything get the best of you.
I had no idea you guys went through that at his birth. I knew you had a seriously hard time but I didn’t know he did.
Celebrating his upcoming birthday will mean much more to me now.
Just a note, all of these pictures are of Caden hours after birth. The first picture we have is about 20 minutes or so after birth, but I can’t bring myself to post it.
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